If Trump were captain of the Titanic

by Paul Swanson

• There isn’t any iceberg.

• There was an iceberg but it’s in a totally different ocean.

• The iceberg is in this ocean but it will melt very soon.

• There is an iceberg but we didn’t hit it.

• We hit the iceberg but the damage will be repaired very soon.

• I knew it was an iceberg before anyone else knew it was an iceberg.

• The iceberg is a Chinese iceberg.

• We are taking on water but every passenger who wants a lifeboat can have a lifeboat and they are beautiful lifeboats.

• Look, passengers have to ask nicely for the lifeboats if they want them.

• We don’t have any lifeboats, we are not lifeboat distributers.

• Passengers should have planned for icebergs and brought their own lifeboats.

• I really don’t think we need that many lifeboats.

• We have lifeboats but they are supposed to be our lifeboats and not the passengers’ lifeboats.

• The lifeboats were left on shore by the last captain of this ship.

• Nobody could have foreseen the iceberg.

• I am the best captain ever, ask anyone.

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